Tinanong ko ang sarili ko.

Emosyonal ba ako?

Ang paliwanag ko,

Lahat ng babae ay ganoon.

Sino bang hindi?

Mabuti nang umiyak,

Hanggang mapagod ang mata sa pagluha

Kesa ang magtimpi,

Kimkimin ang sakit

Hanggang sa panawan na lamang ng ulirat.

Hindi..

Hindi ko gagawin iyon.

Ayokong isako na lamng ako at iwan ng aking mga kaibigan

sa

bodega.

Paano kaya niya nasabi iyon?

Maari kayang..

Alam niyang pipi akong lumuluha?

lumuluha habang inaalala ko ang kakaunting sandali

Mga sandaling ang akala ko'y may patutunguhan.

Pagod

at

Antok

na

talaga

ako.

ZzzZzzZ...

Im so tired. I really don't like my schedule but what should I do?  this is only my option.

-

I'm trying to change my habits, kaso iyon na yun e. Baguhin ko man it will be hard. But the main question will be, what are those habits?.. texting someone ba? o pagiging emotional ko..hmmm!

-

Ge, if mabasa mo ito..i hope you will not get jelous of anyone. Most probably you-know-who. As I've said flirting is an art of socialization and at the end of the day i know to whom I'm going to return, and that is with you.

-

Hanggang ngayon pag nakakakita parin ako ng mga pulubi o kahit mga matatanda sa kalsada kahit nga mga tao na nagtitinda ng mga palamig o kahit na sino na sa tingin ko ay kapos na kapos sa pamumuhay, hindi ko parin di maiwasan malungkot. Parang pinipiga ang puso ko. Gusto kong tumulong pero paano? Ano ba ang aking magagawa? Andito ako ngayon taling-tali sa malamig na opisina na ito. Puro pasarap, puro pagiging burgis. Puro pag-iisip sa kung ano-ano lang. Nagbubulagbulagan ako. Alam ko ang dapat kong gawin. Ngunit paano? Naisip ko, ito na kaya ang tamang panahon para bumalik at kumilos?

Matagal na din panahon iyon. Naaalala ko pa ang huling naging tagpo. Ang alam ko, babalik ako. Ngunit dahil sa sitwasyon ko kailangan mamimili. At naisip ko sa ngayon mali ba ang pinili ko?

Nakita ko sila. Pagod at hirap. Ako napapagod lang ang isip ko sa pag-iisip ng kung ano-ano lang. Walang ibang inisip kung maganda ba ako o mahal nya ba ako? Ano nga ba? Nakakatawa dahil hindi ako ganito. Nasaan na ang dating ako? May panahon pa ba ako para maibalik ang dati? Sana nga dahil ayokong mawala ang tunay na ako.

Sabagay alam kong andito lang ang tunay na hinahanap ko.

Kwaresma na naman. Pero ngayon ay hindi ko ito masyadong maramdaman. Siguro dahil wala na ang lola para mamuno sa pabasa. Wala nga akong balak umuwi sa amin. Wala naman akong babalikan. Mali, meron naman yun nga lang hindi pa naghihilom ang sugat ng dahil sa pagkawala ng lola ko.

Sabagay, ilang taon na nga ba akong ganito?  Aminado naman ako sa sarili ko na malaki ang kontradiksyon ko sa paniniwala sa KANYA. Sabi ko pa nga noon madalas na ginagawa nating mahiwaga ang buhay kaya natin ginagamit SIYA. At sa madalas ay ginagamit SIYA ng iilan para sa pang sariling kapakanan. Hindi naman masamang magkaroon ng pag-aalinlangan, minsan ay mabuti pa nga iyon dahil doon ay nagkakaroon ng pag-unlad. 

Ngayon ay unti-unti kong binabalik at isinasaayos. hindi dahil sa kailangan ko SIYA at kailangan ko lang ng makikinig sa akin. Hindi ganoon. Kundi dahil gusto kong magkaroon ng katiwasayan at naniniwala ako SIYA man o hindi alam ko na mayroong nakikinig sa akin.

You are Justice

Equity, rightness, probity, executive; triumph of the observing side in law.

Justice is about cold, objective balance through reason or natural force. You can't keep smoking and drinking without consequences to your health. It is the card that advises cutting out waste and insists that you make adjustments, do whatever is necessary to bring things back into balance, physically, emotionally, socially, spiritually. It is a card of balance and harmony; if there is imbalance, the correction may require recourse to the law.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Sabi ko i'm hurt pero hindi din..

hehehe!

Ilang beses ko na bang narinig ito.

"Pretty ka naman e, magpapayat ka lang"

And sinabi lang iyon sa akin the other day.

Weird ba or ganun ba talaga? Bakit ang sukatan ba para mahalin ka ay dahil sa payat o sexy ka? At meron kang 36-24-36 na vital stats? Hindi ka ba pwedeng mahalin dahil mabait ka at matalino?

Kasi iyon ang diktata ng lipunan. Hindi katanggap-tangap kung mas malaki pa ang babae sa other half nya. Bakit pag tumagal ba ang relasyon makaka-solve ba ng problema kung payat o sexy ang isang babae? Lalaon kukupas din iyon at ang alam ko ang matitira na lamang ay kung ano ang nasa loob mo, ano ka bilang tao.

Kaya nga naiinis ako pag may nagsasabi nang ganoon. Paki alam ko kung di ako sexy. Paki alam ko kung kahit si boots ay mahilig sa sexy, basta ang alam ko maayos ako bilang tao.

Sa mga lalake na tumitingin sa ganon, good luck sa inyo.

I wasn't able to greet my "bby" today. It's been 18months and I can still remember..

October 7, 2005

Wala akong magawa kaya what I did was i post my no. sa chat tv. I've been doing that for the past 2months since I'm really looking for someone! Here's actually my post: Hi, any gurlz for a nice chat? im fish_me 23 lez/f from pasig. txt me @ 09219542048 ( but i dont have this no. anymore..) tx me ok? ill wait! nomo..c",) And of course I did received so many response. And then pag mga text na ganyan you will rely also with you're gut feeling if the person is ok or what. So I narrowed them down to three. I can still remember the other 2 its Cathy and Jenny. And of course si Ge.

Cathy is a call center agent so we have so much in commen. The other one, si Jenny, she's 17 and hindi nag-aaral and c Ge she's a masscom student.

To make the story short, mas naging ok kami ni Ge. Why? first, matiyagang magtext! She even barrowed the cp of her friend and brother just to text me. how sweet no? At what I like about her is that, may sense kausap and mahilig din sa politika! Ako kasi, basta makakausap ko ok na sa akin iyon. Dahil naniniwala ako at the end of the day, beauty will fade but the sense and the true self will remain.

October 8,2005

Ngayon ko nalaman na may bf xa.. (sad -- paano ako didiskarte?!) pero noong nalaman ko na hindi na in good terms, I told myself -- ayt, its my turn (hehehe!)

October 9, 2005

I know, I can feel something for her though i'm not so sure. Kaya nilakasan ko na lang ang loob ko. I asked her If pwede ba na we can more than friends? And I told her pag-isipan nya. I'll give her hanggang hapon (hehehe demanding ano?) tapos sumagot na sige daw.. E ako assuming so sabi ko, so tayo na? I know nagulat siya pero ayun na, nag-assume na ako. So naging kami ng October 09, 2005 @ exactly 3:41pm.. (ge naaalala mo ba un?) a day before my birthday..

And the rest is history. First meeting namin was October 16, 2005 a week after na naging kami. This is not the first time na nagkaroon ako nang ganitong relationship na nag-start sa ganito. But I can say that so far it is succesful. Im not saying that go with this kind of thing, because this is really risky. Pero pagnagmahal ka naman risky talaga diba?

We've been through a lot. And I can say that marami na ding mabibigat na pagsubok na dumating sa amin. Maging issue man from our family hanggang sa politics and even sa pinakamababaw na dahilan -- ang pakikipag-flirt ko ba ito? hahaha.. I've got Lance and Boots under my belt. And si Ge? ever faithful. (malay ko din..hehehe) Pero she knew this already, at the end of the day I know that sa kanya parin ako babalik..

--ge, thanks for everything.I don't want to promise anything but I just want you to know that I love you very much.!

I don't know how I'm goin to edit my blog.

I don't know how to put the html codes.

Anyone?

I need help...

It's not him.

And I'm saying this for the second time.

Training Days..

"Are you okay?"

"umm..yes".

And again

"Are you okay?"

"yes" (I asked my self, bakit mukha ba akong hindi okay?)

That's the time I noticed him.

(ill continue this..i dont know pero..basta)

Iniisip ko ngayon, kung kinakailangan pa bang ituloy ko iyung sinusulat ko para sa kanya. Kailangan pa ba?

Kailangan pa bang malaman nang iba? Nasaktan na nga ako. Kailangan pa bang doblehin ang pagiging miserable ko?

Nakakainis. Dahil tatapusin ko na. O tinapos ko na nga.

Hahaha..tapos na nga ba?

Sana lang.

I just want to react. 

This is not actually the first time that someone told me to think again with regards to my preference. I'm not with the usual man and woman relationship. So it goes..

For as long as masaya ka at wala kang nasasagasaang tao, bakit ang hindi pwede?

Dahil ba sa hindi ito ang itinuro sa atin?

Dahil ba sa wala ito sa bibliya?

Dahil ba sa hindi ito ang normal at hindi naayon sa prinsipyo ng iba?

Paano naman ako at karapatan ko?

Ang sabi ko nga at uulit-ulitin ko..

"Love is beyond what the society dictates and what the norm is".

It's now my restday..

and

of course I'm goin to rest.

but...

Sad because I will not be able to see my crush.

Anyways, I'll see him, next week..

hehehe.. 

I say I don't care.

But I do.

And I can feel the pain.

Though I might say that it is just a little thing,

The thing is I can still feel it.

huh..

see, I'm really emotional.

And sometimes, I just hate it.

And I hate them both.

Okay. I admit that I still like him. Hindi ko alam kung ano bang meron sa kanya na wala ang iba (at ginamit ko pa ang isa sa mga gasgas na linya). I don't know why he has that certain thing that I don't want to let go. As I've said, he's not that gwapo but he've got the best personality and the person is so nice, so nice to be real. Marinig ko lang voice nya I will fill the shiver in my spine.

Ha..and I told myself I want to let him go.

I want to come up for something that I really want to do for the past 2 weeks. But everytime ill start for it either ill be lazy to finish it or go blank. And nothing beats a person with that kind of thinking.. (err tama ba iyon?)

Well ill just finish this.

Why?

Its a garbage.

It sooo in right now. Everyone is doin some entry about them. And since every bloggerista have this already, so Ill do thesame!

And to start with..

1. Ako ay inggetera -- kasi ginaya ko sila about this. hehehe!

2. Look who's maldita -- And that's me! synoyms na din sa maldita ang maarte ,  bastarda sa cx/subs , pintasera ako matapang at palaaway .

3. I walk to talk -- I'm a person who really loves to talk and I mean talking for long hours! They always say "aileen huminga ka naman" and "ai nakaka-stress ang pagka-daldal mo". They even call me "irma madaldal". Im the queen of talk and intrigues (ate luds ikaw ba yan?)

4. Masarap talagang kumain! -- Promise! do I have to explain anytin?

5. I'm Nora Daza the second -- I'm not her daughter, but like here I know how to cook (not so nora daza, pero pwede na din). My specialty? Spaghetti.

6. I'm a certified Chocolate-holic and Chicken-holic -- My fave chocolate talaga is yun van hauten and kitkat. I remember pa nga na nag-request ako sa mga friends ko nun college na gift na nilang lahat sa akin ay kitkat. And the very famous chicken! Kahit buong tao na puro manok okay lang. I can still remember na na-ER ako dahil jan. Namaga face sa allergy sa manok. Because of that 3months ako wala chicken intake.. and my life is so miserable that time.

7. Aileen as a POLITICAL Animal -- I swear, im really into politics. I like and admire Karl Marx, Jose Ma. Sison and  Mao Tse-Tsung. Ako yun taong may paki-alam sa nangyayari sa lipunan. At alam ko kung san ako nararapat.

8. I secretly dream of being The World Second Princess -- Not literally na maging Ruffa Gutirrez-Bektas though I really like her, I dream of becoming a beauty queen..why I'm a beauty queen on my own right, hehehe! That is every girl's dream naman. Yun nga lang ambisyosa # 1 talaga ako. . synoyms for this one : frustrated model.

9. Left or Right? -- Mahina ako kung saan ang left o right. Mahina din ako sa directions. Tangengot ba? Naalala ko pa na nabatukan ako ng tito ko dahil di ko maintindihan kung saan ang left and right. And I like left. Why? ibagsak ang imperyalismo..

10. I love books and I like reading (of course!) -- Name it, Mary Higgins Clark (though I know ayaw ni joel sa kanya), James Patterson, John Grisham are just the few authors I like. Of course I also love to read books regarding politics. And for those peolpe who doesnt know, I think its so opposite and different sa mga binabasa ko, I do like to read FHM and other similar mags. No green-minds please. Though its for boys, e I like it! hehe..

11. Sink in and out -- Ako yun tao na kayang mag-utos sa ano ang dapat kong maramdaman for a certain period (I'm talking about love life only). You might not believe this pero kaya ko ito. I may not like a person pero pag-inisip ko at ginusto pwede. Hindi ako mechanical kasi nasasaktan pa din ako (tao ako ha!) pero as what I explained, pwede kong gawin yun. I will cry for a week then aftre that tapus na.  kaya move -over cindy!

12. I'm a very romantic person (NOTE: Boots, I admit emotional ako. Ano masaya ka na?) -- That's right. at sinong hinde? Tell me at sasambahin ko.  

I feel so sad for my friend. He's facing a big problem right now. And we can't do anyting but to listen because that is the only thing he needs right now. It's all about his marriage. It's so sad if that will be the only reason why someone will be on a very desperate situation. You made a vow, you made a promise to everyone and to God that you will hold on to each other. But what is happening right now?

That made me and Larc put in a discussion. Larc said that its much more better kung live-in muna. And I didn't even raise a point because I also  believe on that. Not because I'm an immoral person. Who can say that anyways?

Marriage for me is just a piece of paper. Sabi ko nga before na ginagawa lang iyan ng mga tao na takot mawala ang isang tao sa kanila. Legal na basehan. Legal na pagkulong sa isang tao. Kaya nga minsan its much better na I commit mo na lang ang sarili mo kahit wala ito. Bakit nawawala ba ang pagpapahalaga para sa isang tao kung walang kasal?

And talking about standards.

Madalas kasi, marriage or not people tend to judge other people. Why? Because of the standards that was set. Pag hindi ka sumunod deviant ka. And definetly you will recieve a lot of criticism. Ano ba kasi ang mali sa tama? Ang tama sa mali?  Wala ni isa. Sabi nga ng dati kong prof, There's no such thing as good or bad, its only you're thinking that makes it so. And to add on that you can say that it will be the consequences that will make a big difference.

I hope that people and the society will not judge me because of my opinion.

I've got already a relationship that is not acceptable to the society and right now I just made this remark.

What's next? And paano ito matatapos.

All I can say is that we are living on a double standard society.

Not a guess, I guess.

Bakit sa madalas mas patok basahin ng iba if the entry is about love? I find it so weird. Well not really but I'm thinking what is about "love" that makes it so appeling to us?

Not only in writing even in motion picture. Mas madalas, patok talaga sa takilya if the theme is about love. Why is it because we are all hopless romantic? Maybe because we are all emotionals? Or its because we have our own sets of failures, heartbreaks and winning moments about love?

And see, I'm writing something about love.

And forgive me if I'm so emotional.

It's love and all about love.

I was like peace in a groove
On a Sunday afternoon
You were there so was I
In the park 4th of July
I was chillin' with my Kool-Aid
When Miss Chilli came to relay
That you had a thang for me
Finest thang you'd ever seen
I must admit to you
I've heard them lines a time or two
Although for some apparent reason
Monkey lines are now in season
Lights off, lights on
I guess the groove is on so I am

Chorus:
Diggin' the scene
Diggin' on you
Diggin' on me
Baby bay-ooo-baby baby
It's on like that
It's on like that
I gotta be in love or somethin' like that

I was like deep in a cool
What'nt gone be nobody's fool
Could not care less who was there
Could've been like anywhere
I was chillin' with my Kool-Aid
Did not want to par-ti-ci-pate
In no silly conversations
Had no time for new relation-ships
I must admit to you
When I heard the lines you threw
Although it usually turns me off
But this time you have turned me on
Lights off, Lights on
I guess the groove is on and I am

Chorus

Oh why do I feel the way I do
When all I can think about is you
What was it in a line
That made me fall for you
Do you know
Why I'm diggin' diggin' diggin' diggin' on you

Chorus

Diggin' on you
It's on like that
Diggin' diggin' diggin' diggin' on you

--i dont know what's with this song, its just so powerful..maybe that's what i feel right now..
(that's all I can say..)

Just like my very dear friend, I can't write anything. Mental block? Not really.It's just that nothing significant happend to me (hahaha..baka magalit un new"so-called boyfriend" ko..hahaha! and another round of laughs!).

~

Wala talagang bago sa akin ngayon. Except that I'm still longing to go home (in Biñan,Laguna) but I know that it will just bring again the pain that's still in my heart. I need to heal. And I know it would take sometime. But I really don't mind. Because I know deep down they are just there watching me.

~

Tomorrow will be my restday. And my plans? sleep,sleep and sleep! I need to rest. I feel so exhausted. I'm just happy that I've got books that I need to read and finish. I just love to read, because it is takes me to another dimension that I can only understand, just like writing. I can release all the tensions and worries that I have. Saying that writers are like stress balls for me.

~

And I'm thinking what should I eat tomorrow (re:food-addict). I'ts been a month already, that I'll only eat fish on my restday. (its like its also my stomach's  rd for pork and chicken). Goin fishytarian? That's why I'm fish_me..hehehe!

~

I wasn't able to watch tv for the past 3days. What's on the news by the way? For sure it's all about politics, violence and politics and violence again. What's new anyways? We are political animals and we are all thirsty for blood. For sure those kinds of story will be a blockbuster for us rather than checking what is really happening to our economy. By the way I forgot to say that we are also love to hear news about Kris Aquino. Ah? Next news please.

~

Did I said I can't say or write anything? I just did! I'm so happy because mind is working. And of course I-stiil-need-to-work-for-a-living.

hehehe..tough luck.

Perplexed.

That's all I can say.

I swear I don't like it and I don't want to entertain this zeal.

I wish I can.

(sigh)

Matagal tagal na din bago nasundan ang huli kong sinulat. Marahil dahil wala lang akong maisip o maaaring pagod na akong mag-isip. Pagod nga ba? Wala namang bago o signipikanteng nangyari sa buhay ko. Maayos naman ako kahit paano. Kung ang magiging pamantayan ay ang burgis na lipunan.Ngunit kung ikaw ay mulat na, alam mo na malaki ang kulang. Hindi ganitong buhay ang pinangarap ko. kung may choice lang sana ako.. alam ko darating din iyon..

Supposedly dapat inspired ako,but I'm not! I've got 2 failed qa sessions. One is 70 and the other one is 54! Goodness! Oo nga the other one is 100 but it will do no good. Badtrip, kumuha nga ng pangatlo para panghila sana ang nangyari pa panghatak pa-baba.

Okay, I promise that I'll concentrate this week.

I will.

No lovelife muna.

Ah..

I'll concentrate na lang.

I'm currently reading Krippendorf's Tribe. And it's a riot! I can't imagine this book talking about a imaginary primitive Amazonian tribe (Shelmikedmu), racism, mother-daughter relationship, a filipina, kids in school, teenage behaviour and of course sex and std!

I'm almost done. And I just want to share this excerpt that really knock me down.

"Veronica called across to Shelly who was sitting on a children swing but not swinging. 'Look, isn't it marvelous, the colours."

'What?'

'The sky, Veronica explained, pointing at the sky. 'It's magnificent.'

Shelley pulled down the corners of her mouth. 'It's only a sunset. There's no need to have an orgasm.'

And I thought I reached that too while reading this.

Hehehe!

(joel gaviola -- thanks for giving this book (and angel of death also) it's really good!

I'm somehow amused.. 

And the result..

You are very ambitious and because you seek and need recognition, you try in your own way to impress people and you want to be looked up to - to be both popular and admired. You feel that there is a gap which separates you from your fellow man, or woman as the case may be, but this anxiety is an unnecessary one. Keep on the way you are going and you may surprise yourself.

Which ever way you turn you feel that you are being utterly thwarted. There is considerable conflict in the air but you will stick to your beliefs and not be deterred in endeavouring to attain your objectives.

You feel very lonely and frustrated at this time but your shyness and modesty precludes you from establishing any deep form of relationship. You feel rather isolated and alone. You are egocentric and you believe that you are always right - well maybe you are - but you have a short fuse and are likely to take offence for the slightest reason.

You are holding back. You need to find friends in whom you can trust and once they have proved themselves beyond all possible doubt you will be prepared to give them your all. The existing situation is not of your liking - you have an unsatisfied need for mental stimulation with others whose standards are as high as your own. Trying to control your instincts the way you do restricts your ability to open up to others and the way you feel at this time is suggestive of 'total surrender'. This is not to your liking as you consider such thoughts as weaknesses that need to be overcome. You feel that only by control, controlling your innermost thoughts, are you able to maintain your air of superiority. You want to be admired for yourself alone and not for what you can do or for what you may have done. In essence 'you need to be needed' and at the same time 'you need to need'.

You need to be respected as an exceptional individual. This is the only way that you can hope to achieve the status that you wish to achieve. You set yourself very high standards - and come what may - you abide by them.

want to try it:

http://www.paulgoldinresearch.com/cg/index.htm

(Prologue:This is for my dear friend. I wrote this for you.)

I feel so different.

Una, dahil hindi ko alam kung ano ang dapat isipin.

Pangalawa, dahil hindi ko alam ang dapat maramdaman.

May pangatlo pa ba?

Sabagay wala na.

Dahil anuman ang sasabihin ko dun pa din babalik.

Ano ang dapat kong isipin at ano ang dapat maramdaman.

Gusto kong magtanong.

But I'm afraid that the person will not be able to understand.

It's so premature.

And I'm worried that whatever things that I will say will hinder this.

And I know deep down I don't want this to end.

I just want you to know,

that I need an answer.

that I need a confirmation.

Gusto kong pagalitan ang sarili ko.  Akala kasi nang aking friend siya ang tinutukoy ko sa last entry ko. Sorry po. Panay kasi ako biro at sobra akong taklesa, na minsan di ko alam na nakakasaga na pala ako nang tao.  

Biniro ko kasi yun aking friend. At dahil sa kabaitan niyang taglay (at pagiging gentleman) sumakay siya sa biro ko. Nice nga nya. Kasi hindi ako napahiya.

Ngayon nga lang nang dahil sa last entry ko kanina na hindi ko gaanong nalinaw baka manganib pa na di kami mag-pansinan at pati yun aming pagiging magkaibigan.

Nakakalungkot. Kasi baka kung anong isipin niya. Sana maintindihan niya.

At hihiramin ko iyung isang taludtod ng tula na nabasa ko. And this time friend (gellidon para sayo iyan ha..malinaw na ba?) its for you.

"Pasensya na.

Dahil lamang sa mga salita.

Pagalitan mo sana ang mga salita

At wag sana ako.

Mga salita lamang iyon."

What a day for me. I never thought that such entry will create a big fuss.  A careless thing for me. I know that it will actually make my friends laugh (esp. kat,jerlyn,donnabelle and france) because they know the real score. I'm sorry, that's all I can say. I never thought that my kadramahan will affect someone.  And promise, I'll never say anything that is somehow, unclear. And I will not..promise,hahaha..what a day!

As what I'm saying..

Dinadaan ko na lang sa pagkanta ngayon at pakikipagtawanan kay jellin ang mga kalokohan ko ngayon. Ano bang bagay na song for me? Never ever? Diggin on you? Don't Call me Baby? o ano nga.. Kakatawa ano. Kakatawa lang talaga..

See, walang kapoli-politika man lang.

Hay!

Na-inspired ako sa sinulat ng isa sa mga nagba-blog, kung ano siya ten or twenty years from now.

At naisip ko ano nga din ba ako pagdating nang panahon na iyon. Will I still be a call center agent? Ah masyado naman atang matagal iyon para sa ganitong career. At alam ko sa sarili kong hindi ito talaga ganito ang gusto ko.

Professor kaya? Pwede dahil ito talaga ang gusto kong propesyon. Out of the country? Count me out. Dahil hindi ako iyon. Wala doon ang puso ko. Maghirap man ako di ko iiwan ang Pilipinas.

May pamilya kaya? Naisip ko nga sarili ko pa lang mahirap na. Paano pa ang may anak? Napaka-hirap ng buhay ngayon. Bawat kibot katumbas ay sentimo. Hindi na nga e, piso na nga ba? Ang limang-daan nga ngayon mapabaryahan mo lang wala na. Parang pera na lang iyon sa isang araw.

Alam ko na mayroon ako talagang gusto. Miminsan ko lang babanggitin ito. Ang talagang gusto ko ay tumulong sa masa.

Kaya kong iwan ang lahat ng ito. Lipstick ko ba? Mga damit ko? Kahit ang pagkain sa mga sosi na lugar kakayanin kong iwan para sa masa. Siguro sasabihin nila na "ano ka ba Aileen" pero iyon ang totoo.

Nahhihirapan nga ako sa ganitong sitwasyon.May gusto akong gawin pero hindi ko magawa. Mulat ako at alam ko kung saan ako dapat tutungo. Alam ko mahirap pero darating din ako doon. Sana nga lang wag mahuli ang lahat.

Ten to twenty years from now?

Sana kung professor ako, sana marami na akong na-organisa.

Kung may pamilya man, sana mabait ang aking maging asawa, hahaha.. mangyari kaya to? and sino kaya? (mas marami pa ata akong naging tanong) 

Sana pag-pinili ko ang masa, sana buhay pa ako noon. (lahat kaya ay pinapatay.

What is your guess?

I just hope you're guess is good as mine.

Hindi yata matatapos ang pagpo-post ko hangga't hindi ako nagaa-out. I just can't help it. Madami akong gustong sabihin pero paano kung di lang maintindihan at mamis-interpret lang? Wala akong ibig sabihin. Kung meron man pasensya na. Naiinis ako, na naguguluhan, na excited na masaya, na malungkot, na natatakot, na dissapointed, na hindi ko maintindihan alin ba talaga doon ang nararamdaman ko. Can you imagine that, ibat-ibang emosyon, na ang gusto ko lang naman is malaman o maintindihan ano ba talaga. I'm a person who needs answer, that needs confirmation. Mataas expectation ko. At pagkatapos ano? nasasaktan lang. Sometimes I really dont know ano ba talaga ang dapat, ano bang para sakin. Parang napakadali lang nang mga bagay-bagay but its not.  Alot of people seeks my advice but I think, ako na iyon may kailangan. Its like bursting out. and after this? It's all thesame. Walang pinagbago. Papasok ako, uuwi, matutulog at makikita kayo at pagkatapos? It's thesame thing, thesame process. I just want to be happy. And I cant pretend anymore na masaya ako.

See, that's what I feel and what I think as of this moment.

and I'm not happy.

How I wish..

Nothing..

Basta I'm happy lang!

And

I'm crossing my fingers.

For what?

for something.

Andami kong natutunan ngayon:

1. Wag mang-aasar ng ibang tao lalo na't di mo alam ang capabilities nila. What I mean to say kung di mo alam kung ano ang kaya nilang gawin sayo. Remember: Digital na ngayon ang karma.

2. Don't assume. As of yesterday pa yan. kaya nga sabi ko at naniniwala ako na dapat malaman mo agad ang sagot. Kahit alam mong risky, at least masaktan ka man sa umpisa lang. At sana lang, un na nga. Kung di ka affected why bother? Sabagay, mabuti narin magtanong..tama? Humm..

3. Never say a lie. Kasi babalik lahat sayo. As what I've said digital na karma. And seriously, kaw din ma-hurt.

4. Please be gentle. If you are really sensitive sa feelings ng ibang tao, and alam mo naman talaga ang real score, sana maging gentle naman. I don't know kasi contradicting lahat. May sinasabi ka pero ano ang ginagawa? Mas nakakasakit lang. Ikaw kaya ang nasa ganoong sitwasyon, anong mararamdaman mo? too bad..

5. Wag mag-away2.

yun lang..

And I guess,

enough

is

enough.

(no buts!)

Can't think of anything as of this moment.

Maybe I'm just to tired and so sleepy..

ZzzZzz..

Good thing it's my restday.

It's a long week for me.

Just need to rest.

See you guys..

Most of us laging naka-concentrate ngayon about love and etc.. (kahit ako e!)

Anyways, ating ibalik ang pagiging makabayan (andito parin naman iyon). I will endorse some party-list groups that you may want to vote this coming election.

1. Gabriela -- no.1 on my list. Sino ba ang di nakakakilala sa kanila? Tagapag taguyod ng kapakanan ng mga kababaihan. At ng sambayanan.

2. Bayan Muna -- Sino din ang di makakakilala sa kanila? Ito na yata ang organisasyon na pinaka maraming miyembro ang napatay sa ilalim palang ng pamamahala ng papet at tutang si GMA. Ang ginangawang panggigipit sa kanila ng papet na rihimeng Gloria-US. Diba gumawa sila at nag-imbento ng kaso kay Ka Satur? Ang masasabi ko lang, hindi kayo magtatagumpay. Ang katotohannan ang magmumulat sa tao.

3. Anakpawis -- Ang organisasyon ng mga maralita at manggagawa. Pinangunguhanan sila ni Ka Bel (Beltran).

4. Kabataan Party List -- Pinakabago sa hanay ng mga pogresibo at militatnteng org.

5. Migrante -- Nagtataguyod ng kapakanan ng mga OFW's.

Pasensyana, maaring kilalanin nyo din ako ng dahil sa kanila. Ngunit di ako natatakot. Boboto lang ako dahil sa kanila, at wala nang iba pa. Ihalal natin sila.

Mag-isip.

Bumoto ng karapatdapat. 

Salamat.

Supposedly magagalit sana ako.

Pero anong mapapala ko?

Ako yun mas nakakaintindi.

At kung nire-regard mo ang isang tao na kaibigan mo bakit ka magagalit sa kanya?

I can let it pass.

Because I consider the person my friend.

Pero sana wag na lang uli mangyari at maulit iyon.

See, I'm a change person.

Hahaha..

I'm just tired of arguing.

(antayin nyong hinde and lay down ur cards).

sometimes it is assuring to assume
that our loved ones are a lot happier
than we hope they always are...

(-- a thought from my friend)

Kung mayroong akong nais..

(Gagayahin ko si twinkies17..)

Ask me anytin.

or

tell me sometin.

and ill be happy to answer it!

try me..

Can't think of anything right now. Maybe because I'm so damn tired last week. Full of emotional burdens! And I'm just happy that I'm statrting to accept (ehem!) the reality that the person is not mine. So to speak. I hope that things will be better between me and ... Sana wala nang ilanganan. Nakakalungkot lalo na ni-regard mo iyong tao as a friend. I hope ma-realize mo yun. I'm giving you the oppurtunity to assume. Only for this moment.

~

Yesterday me and ge went out! We met sa Ronbinsons Galleria for a lunch and shopping spree! yipee! We had so much fun. Nag-gloria jeans din kami. I really love chocolate macadamia. I bought 2 sandals, accesories and kung ano-ano lang. Of course nag-shopping din si ge. And the best thing about it we were able patch things up. We had a misunderstanding kasi,I'm so happy na naayos. I just love being with her.. (note: tapos may mga in others pa ako no?! lagot!)

~

Malapit na ang election. And all I want now is to attend either the miting de avance of Bayan Muna or Gabriela. Kaso my sked will not permit me! Kakainis, but i'll do something about it. Kakainis, miminsan na nga lang. Eto ang mga pagkakataon na nakaka-miss ang mga dati kong ginagawa. Pagtulong sa masa, pag-attend ng rally, magsalita sa entablado.. Hay!

~

Another week, another start. I hope this will be a better week for me.

I dont know, bakit may mga ganito akong pakiramdam. I know how much I love angge. Sabi ko nga before at the end of the day, I know siya pa din. Pero hindi ko alam. Parang theres sometin missing.

Pagalitan niyo ako. I know I'm not being faithful. Pero I know hanggang saan naman ako lulugar. Pero, sinasaktan ko lang din ang sarili ko. Masokista ba?

or

Theres really missing? I don't know. Hindi naman ako natatakot na malaman. I just hope na matapos na ito.

I need the missing piece.

I've got a new crush. Not so gwapo, but what I like bout him is may sense. Though di ko pa siya masyadong nakakausap. Natuwa ako sa mga entries niya (blog). I always read his entries, (gusto ko man mag-comment nahihiya ako) you can tell na there's sometin bout the person.

I will not tell anyone about him.
I'll spare him from the intrigues..

Wala akong maisip na maisulat. Supposedly meron, maganda na nga ang material, pero di ko nalang tinuloy! Ang bad kasi. Loko kasi tong c donnabelle at franz e.

I still need na mag-internalize para makapag come-up ako nang isusulat. Parang pakiramdam ko kulang pa ako sa emosyon,. Ganoon naman talaga diba?

Hay.. nakakapagod na lang.

(Prolouge:Na-inspired ako sa sinulat ni twinkies17) 

^1. A lesbian is a woman who is romantically and sexually attracted only to other women. Women who are attracted to both women and men are more often referred to as bisexual. An individual's self-identification might not correspond with her behaviour, and may be expressed with either, both, or neither of these words.

Palagi ito ang unang tanong.

At ang palagi kong sagot.

Hindi po, babae ako at nagkataon lang na may karelasyon akong babae din.

Pero sa madalas ang sagot nila

Ganoon din iyon dahil babae ang gusto mo.

Hay.

Kailangan bang pagtalunan kung ano ang dapat itawag?

Nakakainis lang.

Sana maintindihan nila.

kahit ano man

ang mahalaga masaya ka

at

wala kang nasasagasaang tao.

(Paunawa: Ang sumusunod na lathala ay pawang kathang-isip lamang. Ano mang pagkakatulad sa buhay o namayapa, kamukha man o kapangalan ng mga karakter ay hindi sinasadya ha! ) 

In a far away land 

there is a Prince.

And his name?

It's Kermit.

The frog prince is a sad prince.

because he lives alone in snowland.

This Prince is looking for someone.

Anyone who wants to be with the frog prince?

and spend time with him?

btw,

where is snowland?

it's up there

nalalaglag lang.

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