Entries for October, 2007
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when everything fails.. by fish_me | 05:34 PM |
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"The deepest human defeat suffered by human beings is constituted by the difference between what one was capable of becoming and what one has in fact become." -- Ashley Montagu Still thinking what is the best for me. What I need to do. I'll be 25 on October 10.. And I'm still not sure where my life is heading. Before, I told myself I will not give-up. I even said that I will not resign because I don't want to punish myself. That I will not talk of leaving until the day I find myself holding my bag full of hopes. But then, got tired and feel useless. It's not the way I want things to be. I need a new life. I want a new environment. I want peace. It so damn wrong... If your in my situation, what will you do? 1. Leave, I'm sick and tired of my work. I need to breath. Anyways there is a work waiting for me. 2. Wait. December is 2 months shy-away I can't loose my big pay check awaiting me. 3. I'll apply for a loan. I'm entitled for a month-salary loan. I'll save the money and use that on December. 4. Kill myself. Waah! Anytime from now, I know and I can feel it, I'm goin to freak out! |
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| feel || disappointed | |
| 14 said something. |
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Thank you's and sorries.. by fish_me | 12:38 PM |
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Tomorrow is my birthday. But before that I would like to say thank you and then sorry sa lahat ng tao na bumuo sa isang taon ko from itech and dito sa ps. Last year, sobrang masaya at malungkot for me. Andaming mga nangyari sa akin. Good or bad its another year. Thanks guys! i-tech peeps.. gayl - my dear best friend sa dati ko work. siya talaga yun sumalo sa akin nun mga time na i've no one to turn to. she's there to support me. i will not forget yun mga tulong and advice. donnie,ronald,markyu,bj,liz and wilson (itech people) - naging masaya ang final days ko sa itech dahil sa inyo. thank you sa mga iyakan and tawanan. miss ko na kayong lahat. ms.shantie - she's my sup sa itech. ang sobrang pinasakit ko yun ulo dahil sa mga kalokohan ko. salamat sa mga advice. sayang lang talaga. given a chance ayoko talaga kayong iwan, alam mo yun. ma eds, melyn, jordan, tingzie, and ang elite people - salamat! kayo ang haligi ng itech. di ko kayo malilimutan, sobrang miss ko na yun bonding moments. thanks, till next time. lance - well, thank you and i'm sorry. almost one year na hindi ko pinatahimik yun buhay mo. nakakahiya. siguro kung makikita kita, wala i'll still be speechless. i don't know what kind of attraction struck me. your special to me. and syempre.. anj - i know hindi ganoon ka okay tayo ngayon pero bukod kay gayl nung mga time na sobra akong down anjan kayo. thanks for everything. i know we're not sure what will happen pero i just want you to knoow ano man mangyari i'll still be here for you. ate adette, jomel, kuya adel, lei and baldo - kahit di na tayo madalas magkita-kita i know na wala pa din nagbago. yun buhay natin di lang umikot sa politika pero yun sa totoong realidad ng buhay. salamat! hanggang sa muli mga kas! lai, leth, mimi, mai, tan2, geng and etc.. - sa mga hs and college friends ko na di nakakalimot..sorry kasi wala na akong gaanong time sa inyo at di nakakasama sa mga lakad.. babawi ako. and ps peeps.. batch 57! - ang super batch! salamat kasi nun mga time na im starting all over again anjan kayong lahat.. thank you sa lahat2! karlos primero 101 - whoelse kundi kayo! thank you kasi naging sobrang saya ng team natin.. wala akong masabi. ate lea, dave, heartlene, jaja, heidi, gayl, domeng, judith, hanna, eisset, doble - salamat! ilan sa mga ps peeps na una kong naging close.. thanks sa advice heart and heidi (kung naalala nyo yun lokalokahan days ko na sabi ko i need a professional help.) dave and doble, sobrang okay na tao.. mabait at masaya silang kainuman! jaja, hahaha miss na kita. eto yun masungit pero sobrang bait. thru you nakilala ko silang lahat. syempere domeng and the gang! hahaha.. sana maging magkakasama uli tayo ng shift! miss ko na mga kulitan natin lahat. france!- shuta ka! miss you..pumasok kana. ang palaging pikon pero sobrang love ko. thanks for being there! alam mo na yun..yoko umiyak bwiset ka! belle - s mode! though palagi kong pinagagalitan, i really care for this person. pag may nangaway sayo sabihin mo lang. macy! - hahaha..anghelita. thanks for everything. all around friend to! pwede sa basagan and most esp. heart friend. salamat sa pakikinig.. till another starbucks galore.. larc, karlo, ryan - hahaha.. ang gagwapo nyo e.. jerome - good listner. salamat sa pakikinig sa mga drama ko sa buhay! cindy, junville, ate lyn, gellidon, harlan, mon, franco, at yun mga parati sa likod, syempre mga tabulas friends (esp. to van, panchet0812, cutenakulot at sa mga di nakakalimot mag-bigay ng comments) - thank you! kasi masaya ang buhay sa ps dahil kayo yun mga new friends ko at unti-unti nagiging close. sana wag kayomg magsasawa. boots - makakalimutan ba kita? sorry sa istorbo ( for almost 5months). hahaha! kung pwede ko lang aminin sayo. ur right, i cant play that game. *winks*
May nakalimutan ba ako? sorry na kung may nakalimutan.. pero sa lahat salamat. sa mga tita and tito ko, mga pinsan (father side) and sa mga sister ko - i'm sorry, black sheep talaga ako. babawi ako. To my daddy, lolo and esp. lola (nasa heaven na silang lahat. kahit ayokong maniwala na may langit dahil sa inyo pipilitin ko.) - miss ko na kayo. sana andito kayo sa tabi ko. Another year, another life.
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listen || :) feel || happy |
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... by fish_me | 09:55 AM |
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I’m thinking of you while I’m making love with her.. But all I can do is to scream your name inside my head. I don’t want to mess things up. |
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| 9 said something. |
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Bring it down.. by fish_me | 05:27 PM |
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“Can’t you see, my hormones speeds up to the limit whenever you’re around.” I’m so absorbed with the thought that you’re so near that I can stop for a while, bring my ears down, gait towards you and hold you as if there’s no tomorrow. But I held myself back. It’s not an easy thing to do You’re still a say-so. Whatever. |
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| feel || hyper | |
| 3 said something. |
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| Thoughts... by fish_me | 11:32 AM |
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I’ve dreamed a thousand of you. Walking on the street. Eating on a restaurant. Dancing in the rain. Chatting under the stars. Drinking coffee in front of the fireplace. Teasing you. Sleeping with my arms around you. And making-love with you. Still can’t get enough of those silly thoughts. I sigh. How I wish you’d be mine completely. |
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listen || people around me sayin that I'm mahalay. feel || amused |
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| 6 said something. |
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| Sleazy Dream by fish_me | 08:38 PM |
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When suddenly, someone grab my pillow and said, “Hey wake-up” Darn, another unfinished business with you. Well it’s another dream.
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listen || people around me talking about nothing feel || nothing |
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| 6 said something. |
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| Madonna and Child by fish_me | 06:10 PM |
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Darkness prevails again. Child is screaming wild.
While the mother is staring outside as if it is not bother with the sound of her own. One move and an ogle, everything went blank. A Child is lifeless.And the mother is smiling, blood dripping on her face. |
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listen || to nothing.. feel || blank |
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| 8 said something. |
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| An End.. by fish_me | 04:09 PM |
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After a month of trying to save the relationship, finally it comes to an end. 2 years. I’ve got no picture of you. No stuff toy to hug. Just letters. Two wallets. Chocolates Jewelry box An earring. A slipper. Blouses. And Memories. Though it is somehow painful to let go, still I can say that I’m happy. I will try to live a normal life. (As what I promised you) I will keep in touch. Will be the same person that you know. And I’m happy that you reconcile with Syd. I just hope that he will not hurt you anymore. Well, It’s not yet over, when its really not over. But it’s really over. |
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listen || nothing read || my notes feel || nothing |
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| 20 said something. |
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An End.. Part II by fish_me | 12:29 PM |
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Disclaimer: This is a sad entry. I’m crying out loud. I promised that I would no longer talk about Anj. It end there and everything should be left there. But I can’t take it. Can no longer bear the pain and I’m breaking my promise. I never thought that I would feel and suffer like this. Pain is inexorable. Who would understand? This is not the usual relationship that people dictates. Something the society cannot accept and understand. What I can hear is that people saying that it’s okay. That it is good for both of us. That we can live a normal life. That this might be a sign that someone will come, a better one. But can anyone explain to me if this is good then why I’m hurting? Somehow, I know that having this kind of relationship is bound to end. But can anyone blame me if I believe that this kind of love feel so good and so right? Can anyone disparage me? I’m such a hardheaded person. I know it’s not the first time that I will feel this. Third time? Fourth? Fifth? I lost the track. But I can say that this one struck me hard. I’m not ready yet. Not ready to share her. Not ready to give-up. But then I can be wrong. Perhaps, one thing good about it is I’m looking forward to go on even if it means I will leave her behind. I don’t want to think that way, but I guess it is good for both of us. For now. There are two things that I learned immediately after the split up, that: First, when you break up, your whole identity is shattered. It's like death. And, The pain of the mind and heart is worse than the pain of the body. I know that you’ve heard me. |
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listen || seperate lives read || my post feel || cold |
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| 4 said something. |
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| An End..Huling Bahagi by fish_me | 07:52 PM |
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I intend that this will be my last post about Anj. I know, nasabihan ninyo na ako. Pero I really can’t help myself. I promise na pagkatapos nito, tapos na talaga. I went to Pampanga yesterday. To get na din my things and still kausapin siya. I’m still hoping na pwede pa din kami magkabalikan. Ang tanga ko no? Pero totoo iyon kahit lunukin ko pa nag pride ko. Of course It didn’t end well. I will not go into details pero, it ripped my heart. Sa lahat ng nalaman ko eto lang ang pwede kong I-share. She said that nawala na yun love. One day she woke-up and found out she’s no longer happy with me. Pero naduwag siya kaya hindi niya sinabi. Nagkalakas lang siya ng loob nung mag-text sa kanya si Syd (her hs bf) at nakipagbalikan siya and that’s the time na sinabi na niyang ayaw na niya. And she told me she wants a family. Sinabi ko na ito sa kanya, that she’s unfair dahil sa duration nun 1month na inaayos naming lahat naging honest ako. Na sa isang text lang itinapon na niya yun pinagsamahan naming. I swear, binigay ko ang lahat sa kanya. Pero wala. At siyempre pinakamasakit nang sabihin niyang she wants a family. Alam ko tama siya pero nun nakipag-relasyon siya sa akin alam niya ang limitasyon ko. Unfair dahil binigyan niya ako ng mga rason at mga bagay na wala akong laban. I’m so hurt. I cannot describe the pain I’m feeling right now. Pero tatapusin ko na. |
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listen || nothing watch || my post feel || distressed |
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| 2 said something. |
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